Since our new roommate has moved in two weeks ago, we have seen more excitement in the house that we have in the last 4 years. It has truly worked out for the best, possibly even better than i could have imagined…
I felt a lot of this weekend and i got to see a lot of people i dont see often. Matt i haven’t seen in years, it definitely felt different, but … i suppose thats life, and im so glad hes happy and doing well.
Janelle is as beautiful as ever, she honestly showed me so much i was surprised.
And where do i even start with Rachel – the girl shows me so much love that i dont feel i deserve, and i haven’t earned – i think she just appreciates me existing, which i am honored but not used to.
I cannot believe how many incredible people i have manifested into my life this year.
This was definitely one of the better birthdays on record :)
It started with our work Summer Party, which was a big hit, and lots of fun stuff.
Then reconnecting with an old flame.
Then my birthday BBQ and after party, that was so incredibly great. The best people showed up, we had a great time, moved it over to my fav local bar. The bartenders were kind and generous, took our photos, gave me a birthday cupcake – AND a birthday shot of malort (with a candle!) and even took care of my bill (dont worry i super tipped them) On sunday i went with my friend to a Diaphanous historic picnic, where everything was white, pastel and flufffy, and soft, and lacy, and there were cucumber sandwiches with champagne, and gorgeous huge hats with tulle. It was magical.
In the last year I have completely fallen apart and had to put myself back together again and start all over. It has not been fun. It has not been easy.
I lost my best friend. The man I love said he loves someone else. I was completely alone.
I fell into an empty abyss. I lost all awareness and sense of self. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I lost 40 pounds, maybe in part from shedding constant tears.
I had to seek medical help. I had to seek mental help.
I didn’t know if I would survive it.
I’m, as they say, Medicated and Motivated.
I sought help, and i got it.
Love and compassion poured out from my family and friends.
I started manifesting.
I created a better reality and relationship with my family.
I created more friends in my life.
I created a kind lover in my life.
I have rediscovered the woman I was before I met Ryan.
I have reminded myself what I wanted, with or without him.
I let myself morph to fit into his narrative because I loved him – and yes, I would do it again in a heart beat. Given a million chances to start over, knowing how it would end, I would still choose him every time. I would savor every one of his laughs, every single kiss.
But this is the path we are on. I don’t believe the journey is over. I think this is a long story. And thats ok. Some of my favorite books come with a surprise twist toward the end. But of course, that won’t be our end either.
While I wait, i can still hear his voice, i can still feel him lying next to me. But, also while i wait, i enjoy the warmth of someone else while in their arms. He’s a good man too. And there is love and happiness here too. And thats ok.
My weekends have become so full with fun and friends that by Sunday night both my energy and my bank account are on empty – and it’s good. I couldn’t do that with Ryan.
So I have decided to b grateful. So I will continue to focus on the gratitude of what I have in front of me now, and not worry about what I lost. Because I will find it again.